A Smothered Spark

This is a story written and submitted to the Peter Wells Short Story Competition as part of Samesame but Different Literary Festival 2024 in Auckland. Completely a work of fiction, if not inspired by real life events and regrets.

Two young adults sat on either side of the flickering flames, staring into the orange and blue spirals which were eating up the wood fed to its ravenous appetite. It was the start of their last year at uni and they both knew that they likely wouldn’t find time to go away like this once they started working again. 

Jamie shifted slightly. They let their hair waft in front of their eyes and stared into the blaze. Their eyes watered. Jamie let the tears run down their cheeks. They didn’t stir as Cameron got up from opposite them, wandered over and sat down on the log next to Jamie. 

Cameron nudged Jamie with his shoulder. He gave them a glance but looked into the flames straight away, realising that Jamie needed space with whatever was going on in their mind. 

“You wanna talk to me? Want to be honest with what’s going on in there?” Cameron whispered sideways. 

Jamie shuddered, letting out a captured breath. They shifted their arms, cocooning themself in their own embrace. Jamie’s hand moved up and down their left arm. Trying to offer comfort. Trying to keep it at bay. The nerves. The butterflies flying in their stomach would just not settle down. 

“Come on, you know you can share with me…”

“Aren’t we supposed to be sharing ghost stories or something? What with a fire and all?” Jamie sobbed as they gulped in big breaths of air and gestured to the wilderness of the Kauaeranga Valley. 

After a measured silence, Cameron shattered it with a dazzling laugh. “Oh Honey, when have we ever done that? We’ve never done light hearted convo or the easy chats. Just be honest; we’re friends aren’t we?”

Cameron noticed the side of Jamie’s mouth rise as it always did when they begrudgingly knew that Cameron was right. He shook his head slightly and waited. Silence stretched out. Even longer still. Cameron was about to burst. Until finally, after a tense minute he heard a small release of air from the friend next to him.

“You remember that Sociology tutorial last year?” 

Cameron  nodded in reply. He knew exactly which one it was. It was on sub-cultures and different groups in the rainbow community. Cameron had nearly missed it. Jamie got quieter as they remembered the moment. The butterflies that were flying around in their stomach were a reminder of just how anxious they were that day. 

“The third member of our group was getting really transphobic, saying things that were just nasty and I -” Jamie’s voice caught in their throat. Cameron finally lifted his arm, putting it around Jamie and lightly patted their shoulder in timid reassurance. 

“You don’t have to revisit this…” Cameron tried to tell Jamie but they cut him off. 

“I do, it helps me explain what’s going on… here” Jamie said as they pointed up and down at their body. “I… I was finding it really hard because, as you know, later that day I came out to you, sick of hiding what was probably already obvious to you, that I was non-binary. I only did that because you were so… safe. You were safe, Cameron. You stood up for me. You told him to shove his outdated views… and his friendship if he wasn’t going to be an ally for the community.”

A small smile formed on Cameron’s face. “Yeah I don’t regret that for a second, Jamie. You are worth it.”

Jamie’s voice hitched as they heard those words. “No… not then I wasn’t.” Jamie raised their hand part way through the sentence as they noticed Cameron try to argue with them. Jamie turned further away. Not wanting that potential sentence, that smile to sway them. “I started to think maybe I was worth it though. At the bonfire. You know, ‘the Exams from Hell Send Off’ we went to?”

Cameron’s eyebrow raised slightly, unsure of where Jamie was going with this. He tried to wrack his brains. Looking for clues. Coming up with absolutely nothing, nothing that seemed feasible to him anyway. 

“Anyway… We were dancing with all our friends, maybe a few too many to drink but it was good. You put your hands on my hips mid dance and…” 

Cameron’s arm fell from Jamie’s shoulders, curling into himself now. Jamie ignored it, having gained steam from the search for honesty and the words they’d already shared. They were determined to continue on like a steamroller, regardless of what may happen. 

“Well, Cameron, you made sure that my arms came up to rest on your shoulders and we danced. Wasn’t anything romantic playing, just a pop hit. But we danced. Together. We were like an island in the sea and we stared into each other’s eyes… and Cameron, I think that was when I knew I had feeli…”

Cameron reached across and pulled Jamie towards him. “I wondered why you didn’t kiss me then…” he whispered as he moved closer and chastely brushed his lips against Jamie’s. Jamie mewled as they felt the spark and pushed into it, making their lips connect much stronger than Cameron had intended. 

They split apart. Eyes connected with the reflection of the flames making it look like their eyes were sparkling, dancing for joy at the spark that had ignited between the two.

“Wow…” Jamie sighed contentedly. 

“Tell me about it hun…” Cameron whispered back. “I have to say, Jamie, I kind of hoped this would finally happen between us.” Jamie pulled back slightly. Cameron gently grabbed their arms and pulled them closer. “It’s okay, I wanted this since the bonfire. I realised I felt something then too…”

Jamie looked at Cameron, struggling to accept that they’d finally heard what they’d hoped to hear for so long. Jamie shuffled a little closer and laid their head on Cameron’s shoulder and murmured “I’m glad we finally got our shit together then, Cam.”

Cameron laughed, squeezing Jamie in against him. “Me too, me too.” 

They both sighed, enjoying the warm embrace. Watching the flames. Soaking in the moment, realising that their lives may be a little different after this.

The two friends sat there for hours. They watched the ravenous flames settle down into a small fire and then, eventually, the toasty embers of a campfire waiting for marshmallows. Neither of them wanted to move. So they sat. Arms around each other with Jamie snuggling into the toned chest of Cameron. 

Eventually there were only a few embers left. Only sparks of what once was. This was when Cameron finally felt like he had to say something. 

“Jamie…” he paused as Jamie shuffled in their seats so their head was in Cameron’s lap, looking up at the man they had long had feelings for. “…You aren’t the only one who has a story to tell.”

“What do you mean, Cam?” Jamie sleepily murmured. 

“Well… It was a week ago. You had asked me to go on this camping trip for a few nights to get away before our last year of Uni. The look on your face when you asked. Shit, Jamie. How you felt was written all over your face. It was then… was then that I realised how much of an idiot I’d been, not admitting how I’d felt the last two years since we met at the Student Union…”

Jamie could only smile and quietly said “You doofus. We could have spent so much time together…”

“You’re right we could have, but at least the ghosts of our shared history have finally got us together, right?” Cameron jokingly said.

“Oh my gosh!” Jamie sat up with a bolt and a peal of laughter could be heard from their lips. “You’re right! That means, we’ve been telling ghost stories all night!”

Cameron shook his head and offered his hand to Jamie. “Geeez… What am I going to do with you?” he asked. “Shall we get in that tent and sleep before we fall asleep here? I wanna see if its too hot under our sleeping bags if we snuggle…”

Jamie rolled their eyes. “Sure, let’s get some shut eye… and that’s all for tonight, mister!”

Cameron smiled as he stood up and tipped the small bucket of water on the embers, smothering the sparks that were left. “That’s fine, Jamie, we have plenty of time for more…”

Cameron pulled Jamie up from the log, holding onto their hand as they meandered towards their tent. As the zip sounded through the night air like a rifle, Cameron couldn’t help himself. “I get big spoon, Jamie. I want to hold you tight…” he murmured as Jamie fell into the tent and on top of their sleeping bags. 

For the rest of the night, all that could be heard were sighs of contentment from both of them and Cameron snoring early in the morning. At least, that’s what they say when they share the story about how they finally got together when sharing with their friends around a warm, cosy fire.

Lean on me when you’re not strong…

Family is what you make it.

If life were always easy, it wouldn’t be called life. It would probably be called something like “Lack of trials and tribulations.” Or maybe “Ease”. But the thing is, its not. It’s life. Filled with all its challenges and all the heartache that comes along with it. We get hurt sometimes and that can last a long time depending on what happens.

Now a few months ago I wrote about how the animal kingdom looks after each other and that this is also shown throughout so many movies. However if you don’t remember that it goes something like this: Ants work together to create a colony. Bees a hive. Lions form a pride. Plenty of farm animals a herd. The purpose of all of these is that every animal gets support. They get the guidance that they need in hard times as well as times that are just a little difficult.

We are the same. We need the same. We also need support. We need someone there to lean on. We need to know that someone has our back no matter what. We need someone to be our pillar of strength.

Sometimes this pillar of strength is a family member. Someone we’ve known for most of our lives. In other cases this person could be a friend we have known for six months or six years. It could be a colleague or sometimes we just need a random stranger… but we do need one.

So this week, if you’re struggling with something… who are you going to reach out to? If need be, lean on me when you’re not strong and I’ll help you carry on.

Catch you next week,

Skittles

Need a little sugar in my life!

2 cups of self raising flour

1 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 cup of white sugar

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of chocolate chips

1 egg

75 grams of butter

Melt the butter for 1 minute in the microwave. Mix with the egg and sugar with a fork. Put the flour and baking soda through a sieve and then add to wet ingredients….

So, if it isn’t obvious my mind has been on baking a lot recently. I discovered a passion for it after learning how to make gingerbread so that I could teach my students how to make it in the lead up to Christmas. Since then, I’ve learnt how to make a lot of different things and have loved shared the baked goods that I have created, gaining satisfaction from the grins that people get from a chocolate chip biscuit. Even in the past week where I’ve been away for half of it, and in at work for most of the other half setting up, I have baked. I’ve made a batch of cookies and muffins for myself for when going into work as well as a double batch of cookies for a school camp AND another batch of muffins for my work colleagues who are eating them up…

Doing all this, baking has made me think a bit more about life. Baking is something that helps me relax, its me finding some time in my busy life to enjoy the moment and create something magical. It’s done after a long day at work setting up a classroom or in the evening after a day of walking around the city and drinks with a friend. It’s done with friends one afternoon, sharing the time with laughter and love. It’s made me think that recipes aren’t only for cooking – they are also a part of life.

4 cups of work.

2 cups of housework.

5 cups of sleep.

3 cups of being stuck in peak hour traffic.

2 and 1/2 cups of a long weekend.

Is this how the recipe to your life would look? For some it might. For others it would look entirely different. If we think back to two posts back, I challenged you to find time to do things you love. This week I challenge you to think of what you are placing into your recipe of life. Is it something that seems generic and monotonous like the ingredients above? Or would it look a little bit like the recipe below?

4 cups of vocation.

2 cups of chasing your dreams.

1 and 1/2 cups of laughter amongst friends.

3 cups of doing good deeds.

5 cups of rest and relaxation.

2 bottles of cider with friends.

A sprinkle of love.

It’s up to us to make our own recipes. What are you going to put into your life to make it seem the best that it can? A word to the wise is that changing your recipe isn’t simple. You need to try things. FAIL. Make amazing discoveries and keep going. FAIL AGAIN. Try something new. FAIL YET AGAIN. Take time out.

This may seem weird but ultimately here’s the challenge this week: Add a sprinkle of love. A drop of joy. Maybe chuck in the whole bottle of joy. A cup of laughter. A spoon of hope. Make your recipe something that you like the look and taste of, not something that you want to run from.

Catch you next week,

Skittles.

Sometimes its hard to keep believing in what you can’t see…

I brought a great book recently, so great that I managed to finish reading it in one day. Not many book are able to do this to me anymore. Its hard to find a book that seems different, interesting enough to keep me so hooked that I don’t want to put it down until I’m done. I find nowadays that many books are predictable and follow a pattern but like the books that come before this one from the amazing authors who wrote it, this book bucks the trend and amazed me. The book in question is called “What if its us?” by the talented authors Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera.

The two protagonists run into each other at the post office of all places – who believed that snail mail was dead already??? From there it is a love story about finding someone that you are unlikely to find again either through the internet or rather at the end of the day, a simple poster – a wanted poster of sorts. From here it becomes a journey, almost a ride on a roller coaster of first date do-overs and the the unpredictability of love and friendship.

Many things stood out for me in this novel, the simplicity of the narrative and yet the complexity of relationships which was captured perfectly. The angst of not knowing what to do when you are new to the dating game to wondering if you will ever run into someone again. However the one idea that stood out for me above all the rest was the idea that the universe willed things to happened in a certain way – or to put it in somewhat simpler terms, everything happens for a reason.

I acknowledge that, that phrase can annoy people to an extreme degree. I also understand why. Life’s hard. Different things happen that make it hard to believe that everything happens for a reason. We get hurt. It seems like nothing will get better no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do to make things better. Some things we would rather go without and would want to pull the middle finger to anyone that says “everything happens for a reason“.

So naturally because of this I am obliged to say that everything happens for a reason – in the right context. For example I can look back at the failed relationship I mentioned a few blog posts before this one and say “It all happened for a reason.” Without going through all that then I wouldn’t have started dating again. I wouldn’t have learnt that sometimes slow isn’t the right option but also learnt that likewise going fast isn’t the right option sometimes either. Funnily enough, its all in the context of the situation.

Whats the main point of this post? It’s a friendly reminder that everything happens for a reason. However I also want it to make it clear that context is important. Not simply because you may hurt or offend those around you but rather because in some situations it isn’t helpful at all. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and yes, its a pretty optimistic way of looking at things We don’t know what the future may bring and we don’t know if what we go through will help or hinder us later on in life. However no matter what happens we learn something from everything that happens.

So next time you falter, the next time things seem too tough or the next time things seem too easy, remember everything happens for a reason. When nothing or maybe everything works out remember that everything happens for a reason. Enjoy the journey of learning from it all. It’s the climb. Life has too many twists and turns but no matter what you can learn from it. Hope that there is something greater in store for you as everything happens for a reason.

We’re all in this together…

Firstly, sorry for making you relive high school musical (also, you’re welcome!). I mean it’s a pretty good movie if you think about it… people putting aside their differences and being who they are rather than who they are meant to be. Wouldn’t you rather live in a world where everyone can be who they are and not be judged or put to shame because of what they like to do? Maybe I’m being optimistic but I promise this will make more sense if you read on….

On a more serious note, have you ever thought about ants in a colony? First off the ant hill is very intricate with many tunnels and bigger open spaces. Now what I didn’t realise until I did some research is that the older you are, the further out you usually are in the colony. The younger ones are closer to the centre of the colony so that they can help protect their queen! No matter their age though, they work together and problem solve with their hive mind…

Now before I try and get you to think about any big ideas from me, I want to get you thinking about some other cool things that aren’t just from me – ideas about the animal kingdom. Did you know we can learn about how to build structures and create more effective internal climate control (such as keeping the building cool) by researching and looking into termite mounds? Also scientists have been looking at how dolphins communicate with each other using several frequencies to talk and have adapted this by creating a tsunami early detection system that is currently in use in the Indian Ocean. The coolest thing for me (considering my fear of needles) is that scientists have also been looking at mosquitos and how they use their mouths on our skin, with several smaller moving parts that equates to less pain when getting our blood – something that may be able to be used later in time. If you want to know more about all this check out biomimicry.org.

So we know that at the end of the day, we can learn a lot about life and how to improve things from what we see in animals – and that’s from merely a scientific viewpoint to advance effective ways of doing things, not a scientific viewpoint to learn how we can be better relational, emotional or physical with those around us. If we look at more fiction based examples, we know the animal kingdom works together…

Timon and Pumba practically raising Simba, a meerkat and a warthog raising a lion cub (credit to The Lion King).

Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde saving their city, a bunny and a fox working together to save all animals (credit to Zootopia).

A travelling insect circus and a plucky worker ant helping a colony of ants stand up to a group of grasshoppers that oppressed them (credit to A Bugs Life),

A worker ant and a princess working together to save their colony from the corrupt elite (credit to Antz).

Lady and the Tramp overcoming their differences and looking after their human family and falling in love (credit to Lady and the Tramp).

Alex, Marty, Melman and Gloria surviving on Madagascar and working together to make the best of a bad situation to get home (credit to Madagascar).

Patronus charms are animals that protect their caster from bad thoughts from Dementors (credit to Harry Potter Series).

I think you get the point. For some reason, film producers and companies pick animals to teach us these lessons. Yes, okay, most if not all of my examples are kids movies but the message still stands, we can learn from the animal kingdom.

Looking back at ants, they look after each other and at the end of the day they are better off for it. Animals get into herds in the wild or different groupings so that they can live more effectively, whether it be safety in numbers or family groups that look after each other and take on different jobs. One ant is not really up to much, they could find some food for themselves and dig a small insect hole maybe but ultimately they probably wouldn’t last long. Ten ants could survive a bit longer surely, half make a home and half search for food. One hundred ants can do even better, look after young, protect the colony, build the colony, find food etc.

I think we can learn from this as human beings. We need people around us. We need to make connections. We need friends. We need family. We need to love for something bigger than ourselves whether it be a faith or a cause. We can do so much more than we already do. We can reach out to others. We can grow from making friends. We can support those that are struggling. We can combat feelings of shame, regret and guilt. We can be there in tough times and also there for the great times. The animal kingdom stick together and work together for the greater good. Don’t let yourself be stuck in a small group or in the mindset that meeting new people is scary. Get out there, believe in something and find others that can help you make a difference. Let us learn from the animal kingdom socially and help those that have less than us and those who are hurting. Be connected because after all…

We’re all in this together.

Heard your heart say love, love, love…

The past few weeks have been funny ones. Its been about a period of six weeks where my mind has been thinking about how we act towards other people and how other people act towards me. Human beings are flawed and human beings make mistakes. It is only human to dislike something or someone and it is only human to let a bad day or stress get to you and let it affect how you act towards those around you. It is also in human nature to feel guilt and shame and to feel those raw emotions which make us think differently of people and how they will act…

With this in mind, I’ve been drawn to a proverb that has stuck with me so clearly:

Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

It makes me wonder that if everyone was following this proverb, how would the world really appear? Would we all be nice to each other? Or would we all be meaner to each other than we are already? Or stranger yet, would nothing actually change?

Let’s have a look at the options…

1. People would act meaner than they already are. The things that are going on in a persons mind and heart can make them feel shame, guilt and crippling insecurities that make them feel less than they are. If this was the case and people loved each other as themselves, it wouldn’t go down well.
2. Those that clearly love themselves, those that have high self esteem would show a great love to those around them. They would treat everyone with kindness and with an abundance of grace… however this doesn’t seem to be the case.

So… what’s the bottom line? Let’s look at it from a classroom perspective. As a teacher I always seem to ask “would you like it if they called you names / hit you / ignored you?” Or really it comes down to the simple “are you treating others how you would wish to be treated?”

You see, most people want to be treated with love and kindness but some don’t know how to show that. It’s not that simple to show love but the first step is to reach out to someone that clearly just needs to be noticed as a human being. Loving someone as you want to love yourself is the first step so if that means you would want to be smiled at… smile at someone.

Okay, it’s not that simple. We struggle. We have bad days. But if we can show a smile or perform a kind gesture on a bad day then imagine what you could do on a good day. Many people need love. Need to know that people care about them and love them unconditionally. Surprise yourself and surprise those around you and spread some love around.

You’ve got a friend in me…

You’ve got troubles, and I’ve got ’em too

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you

We stick together and can see it through

‘Cause you’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me

For some strange reason I have been so much more focused on music over the past few months. Music can make you remember events from the past or make you feel things that you haven’t felt in a while. The lyrics you just read are from Toy Story and while they may be from my childhood, they are such a great reminder of what truly close friends are and how they act around you.

In my previous posts I’ve written about changes and I’ve also written about not hiding behind a mask, being vulnerable and open with people around you. This is not only important in the teaching world that I immerse myself in daily, but it is important no matter what you do and where you are in the world. To be a happy and healthy individual, you need people you can be vulnerable and open with about things you are struggling with or to share your successes with.

People hide things for various reasons such as:

• Being afraid of what people think.
• Due to potential embarrassment.
• Just not being ready to share.
• A lack of understanding.
• Appearing weak.
• Looking silly or stupid.

Over the past few days I’ve shared a few stories with a few different friends. These stories are things that have been happening over the past few years and especially focus on the things I struggle with as a teacher and as a human being. And you know what? Nothing has changed. As far as I can tell the perceptions that I have about things are purely my own and tint my glasses and make me think that things don’t appear so great. I know that last year struggling with a tough class that this happened a lot as I was an inexperienced teacher trying to stay afloat. This year its even a tint in my perception glasses making me wonder if I’m missing something because I feel as if I’m excelling…

So my takeaway from these conversations and experiences is this:

A burden shared is a burden halved.

Okay, don’t exit this post just yet. I know, that saying is killer especially if sharing things doesn’t actually seem to help. BUT know this, if nothing changes and your friends are still there for you, things are easier. You let people in, they can support you and encourage you and unconditionally love you for who you are even if you think you suck at everything you do. Reach out, as I’ve said in the past take off that mask and be vulnerable, find out who your true friends are and enjoy the rush where you realise you aren’t alone. Knowing just one other person truly believes in you makes a world of difference.

I see your true colours shining through…

I’m sure that after sitting down you could think of at least one instance where you’ve hidden something. I’ll be honest to you now, I hide things all the time, even when standing in front of my class of students.

A mask is easy to wear, it’s easier to hide things than have questions asked of you. It’s easier to ignore things as well, just let them do their thing and they’ll go away… right?

I’ve found a mask helps. A mask means you can compartmentalise and be who you need to be for the people in front of you. A mask is essential when you need to be professional. A mask is helpful when you just need to support the friend in front of you despite your feelings. But…

I’ve also found a mask doesn’t help. I’ve found that my deepest friendships are where I don’t have a mask. That phrase “deep friendships” can scare people in the age of social media – I mean, what’s a deep relationship? Someone who knows we don’t like tomatoes even though we liked a tomato page on Facebook? (Yes that analogy is a bit out there…)

A deep friendship is a friendship with someone who actually knows you. All of you. All the warts, all the wounds and all the things you hide behind a mask. They don’t have to know all, but they do get glimpses of what you truly feel, what truly is happening under the mask we all wear.

So here is my challenge to you, knowing that a few deep relationships are beneficial for all, open up to someone around you. It may be a friend you’ve had since primary school. It may be a colleague you’ve been getting to know better. It may even be a sibling that you’ve kept at arms length. Just do it. Make real connections and stop hiding behind a mask, stop hiding behind the screen and show your true colours.